Simran

******

Kiaan Chauhan gets angry, but he never gets scared.

Kiaan Chauhan knows how to kill, but he never gets scared.

Kiaan Chauhan knows destruction, but he doesn't know how to be scared.

And when I faced him again, what I witnessed in front of me was something so heartbreaking that the pain didn't just create havoc in me, it shattered the very core of my disappointment, my anger towards him.

I never assumed seeing him scared would ruin me in this way, that I would be left speechless, and that his pain would be more agonizing than mine.

Why did his pain bother me this much?

There were traces of fear in his words when he mentioned he was scared. I noticed the way his words shook and didn't come out as bold as it always does.

"I was scared when I saw that blood on you...and then..."

"...my hands were painted red."

He opened his palms and stared at them as if he could see blood on them. My wound wasn't even that deep or bloody. There was no blood spill for him to be scared like that.

He was guilt-ridden for hurting me, pushing me. But that wasn't his fault...I knew it was the poison and not him. Hi fault was running away, and not making it up to me.

"Kiaan..." I whispered softly as a tear slipped out of my eye.

He walked to me, and this man taking steps towards me wasn't a beast this world feared, or even Kiaan Chauhan, the world respected. This man was only Kiaan, my Kiaan, the man who was so vulnerable on the yacht that he treated me so delicately as if I would break.

He grazed the little scar on my forehead with his thumb, the one I received on our reception night. Guilt dimmed the fire of his eyes, leaving only ashes of pain behind.

"I did that to you," he whispered, his eyes clouded with tears.

I... I was too shocked to respond. He was holding back tears in his eyes, and he wasn't even under the influence of any alcohol or poison. He was being honest

"I was scared, I would break you beyond repair if I touched you again. I had to regain my control so that I don't hurt you...so that I don't hurt the woman I can't see in pain."

Every word he uttered expressed his pain in a way that mine felt nothing. I didn't want to compare how we both felt, but...his words....they hit at the spot where it bleeds the most.

"Why is it that... I am not enough for you? And to regain this control you are talking about...you had to leave me behind...all alone?" I questioned him.

Why couldn't he choose me? 

Why did he have to run away from me...thinking I would be fine with this distance?

Every question niggled on my wounded heart, as if someone was carving his initials with a knife on it.

"Why couldn't I be the one to give you that control...to provide you that safe space you needed...to give you that comfort you wanted so badly?"

I watched him tenderly and not with anger anymore. His presence didn't give me the coldness anymore, but it made me feel warmer that I could survive an eternity of freezing nights just standing closer to him, and I would be fine.

"Why is it that shedding blood, torturing others, and keeping them captive thrives you but not me? Why?"

I wasn't blaming him, but I simply wanted to know the answer to the WHY I had raised.

WHY NOT ME?

"You ran away this time...perhaps something will happen again, and you will run from me again...then you will come back, apologize...make me yours, just like always, and then you will run again, push me away again. There is a..."

I paused to catch my breath.

"...a limit to everything. Mine has been crossed. I can't...can't take it anymore."

He was staring down at me with a man possessed by so much guilt as if he would melt.

"Pushing you was to protect you. I am a beast, Firefly. I only know how to ruin everything. Cherishing someone is not something I have learned...and to be the human you deserve, I had to get away...I had to..."

He palmed one of my cheeks as he rubbed his thumb on my tears.

"I didn't have a choice...I could have hurt you so deeply that you....you wouldn't have been here with me...I can never take that."

What was wrong with that man?

Couldn't he see how he cherished me the night we danced in the rain?

Did he forget the moment when he tenderly made me wear those Payals he had been hiding from me for two years?

I still couldn't believe he bought those payals for me and kept them with him, even when we always fought.

I cupped his cheeks, smiling sadly and asked, "You are so...so... much capable of caring for others, for me. Why can't you see it?"

"What is it that's stopping you? What's scaring you, Kiaan?"

He closed his eyes, taking in a sharp breath. He covered one of my palms, covering his cheek with his own, and then brought it to his lips and kissed it softly, with his eyes still closed.

I waited for him to respond, to say something, but he didn't. He kept kissing my palm, and even when he opened his eyes, he didn't look into mine. I assumed that he was not going to say anything and would shut himself again, as if I didn't matter.

But he caught me off guard when he mumbled while kissing my palm, "Tumhe khone se darr lagta hai..."

[I am afraid of losing you...]

His eyes met mine again, and this time, there wasn't just guilt floating in them, but there was more. There was more pain in them...that mirrored mine, and then there was something else..something like his care for me or maybe more...like..LOVE

No, no, he doesn't love me...he doesn't.

"Itni baar tumhe khoya hai...ab...darr lagta hai..."

[I have lost you so many times... now... I am afraid.]

"Main thak gaya hu ab, Jaan. Tumhe har baar khokar."

[I am tired now, my life, of losing you every single time.]

He scoffed as if mocking himself and maintained distance from me, as if that closeness would ruin him. He took my anchor with him, and I clutched the edge of the nearby table for support.

That distance was a punishment he was giving him and me both.

"Jab tumhe Namit ke reception pe dekha....bas dekhta hi reh gaya...par main nahi dikha tumhe...tumhe sab dikhe sivaye mere....Tumhare lehenge pe juice girana pada to get a reaction from you..just to make you see me."

[When I saw you at Namit's reception... I just couldn't take my eyes off you... But you didn't see me... You saw everyone else, except for me. I had to spill juice on your lehenga just to get a reaction from you... just to make you see me.]

He chuckled sadly, raking his hair as if those memories weren't just memories, it was a sharp blade twisting inside of him.

I didn't see him? Me?

I saw him first...No man ever had a hold on me, yet he did. I saw him laughing with everyone, creating a ruckus with Arjun and... I...I couldn't take my eyes off him.

He was so Godly, so handsome, surrounded by everyone. 

And about me? Well, I was just another bling in that party. 

I wanted to talk to him, wanted him to notice me, but who was I that he would have noticed me?

I was just another star in the sea of stars.

I wasn't the Moon he might have been looking for; that's what I had told myself, unaware till now that he had seen me, he had watched me, he wanted me to see him.

"Tumhari life mein invisible nahi banna tha mujhe. I wanted to be the sole reason your eyes lit up."

[I didn't want to be invisible in your life. I wanted to be the sole reason your eyes lit up.]

I sobbed as he confessed that, and I clutched my heart with my other hand. Three years....for three years he made me believe I meant nothing...for three years I thought this was one-sided.

"To vo ladki jiske baare mein aapne apni diary mein...."

[So the girl you wrote about in your diary...]

I whispered to myself with the realization, but he heard me in the stillness of that night.

"Apni diary ka ek ek panna bas tumhari yaadon se...tumhare diye hue ehsaso se bhara hai maine."

[I have filled every single page of my diary solely with memories of you, and with the feelings you gave me.]

"Aisa koi kagaz nahi chua maine...jise tumahre kisse nahi sunaye...jinko tumhare in aaknhon ke raaz nahi bataye...jinhe ye nahi bataya ki tumahri hasi kaise mere dil ko sukoon se bhar deti hai"

["There is no piece of paper I have touched... to which I haven't recounted stories of you... to which I haven't revealed the secrets held within these eyes of yours... to which I haven't told how your laughter fills my heart with a sense of profound peace."]

My knees gave up, and I sank to the floor, crying.

I used to believe that being desired and cherished by someone fills you with enormous strength, but I didn't know it would strip me of every strength I ever carried.

All my premonitions about him were proved wrong just by his one confession. A part of my life turned out to be a big fat lie, and I couldn't even feel happy when that truth came out. It only broke me further.

There was nothing to feel happy about. He made me his puppet when he could have simply held me in his arms. He made a fool out of me in front of another woman and played some twisted game when he could have simply confessed how he truly felt.

In seconds, he was sitting on the floor and pulled me into his lap. His back rested against the table, and he held me like he was holding something so dear to him, as if he couldn't breathe without me.

I hated what he did to me, yet I pressed my face against his chest only, and I cried.

He didn't let me sink into the black hole this time as he held me tighter. I wasn't the only one in tears, but he was too, and wherever his tears fell, my bare back above my blouse, my forehead, they burned my skin just like the fire born from a phoenix's ashes would do.

"Shhh...I am here, okay? I am here for you."

"I am not going anywhere, my life. Not this time..."

"Please...don't do this to me. Please...please...be fine..."

His voice croaked every time he tried soothing me with his words, his hands rubbed my back, stroked my hair, rubbed my palms, like he was scared of the panic attack more than I was.

"Don't leave me...Just don't you dare fall back into that pit...."

His voice began to turn into a whisper, and I felt like I was hauled somewhere away, somewhere far, to some place he wasn't present. I gripped his shirt tighter, not wanting to be pulled away from him.

"Fight for me...please..."

He literally begged me not to fall further into the darkness.

The way his voice broke for me as he dipped his fingers painfully in my back, holding me to keep me away from the dark realm, did something to me. It gave me enough courage that I pulled myself away from the grip of the upcoming panic attack.

"Kiaan..."

I called for him like I was holding onto him for my survival, and just with that name, the clutches of darkness on my arm loosened. I was back into the reality where he was holding me like I was someone he always planned to spend his life with.

"Main yahi hoon...bilkul tumhare dil ke har dhadkan ke saath saansein leta hua..."

[I am right here...breathing with every beat of your heart...]

He whispered all the sweet nothings to me...about how I was the yellow of his darkness, how he would not survive a second if something happened to me, how I was his anchor holding him together, and how he wanted to make things better...how he needed one chance to worship me.

I didn't know whether it was his hold or his words, his breath or his vow. But my breathing was getting better... my heartbeat was coming back to normal, and I finally felt at home....after the torture of days, I was in the arms of my home.

Silence stretched around us, and the only sound that coiled us was the sound of our breaths, synchronized heartbeats. The silence, though, started to become deafening, so I finally spoke up to fill the silent room with our reconciliation.

"You used to fight with me, all the time..." I whispered and then raised my head up to look at him.

A ghostly painful smile curved his lips as he stared down.

"Kyuki bekaraar tha tumhare liye...chahta tha tumhari nazrein bas mujhe dhunde...chahta tha koi aur na dikhe tumhe mere siva...toh har vo koshish ki jisse tumhe main dikhu..."

["Because I was restless for you... I wanted your eyes to seek out only me... I wanted you to see no one else but me... so I made every possible effort to ensure that you would see me."]

His lips puckered on the crown of my head softly. The feeling was sensational but more like a homecoming welcome.

"Tumhari nafrat bardasht thi duri nahi...tumhara gussa bardasht tha berukhi nahi"

[I could bear your hatred, but not the distance... I could bear your anger, but not the indifference.]

Huh? Hypocrite much. He dumped his hatred on me. What was that for?

"Isliye teen saal bas dard diya aur akela chor diya mujhe?"

["So, for three years, you just gave me pain and left me all alone?"]

I blamed him, looking at him with pain-brimming and accusatory eyes.

"Main tumhare pass nahi tha fir bhi bas vahi tha...bas ek saans ki duri par..."

[I wasn't with you, yet I was right there... just a breath away.]

I shook my head.

"But you were with Riya...That night three years ago when I..."

I stopped talking about that night when flashes of it stung my heart, and a lump formed in my throat, which made it difficult to speak without crying devastatingly.

I felt a chaste lingering kiss on my hair and felt a murmur of words on my forehead.

"Main pagal ho raha tha us shaam tumhe ye batane ke liye ki tum kya ho mere liye..."

[I was going crazy that day to tell you what you mean to me...]

I adjusted myself on his lap a little to have a better look at his exhausted but Godly features and his tired but expressive eyes.

"Kya hu main aapke liye?"

[What am I to you?]

I asked with curiosity.

"Ibadat..." He kissed my forehead

"Sajda..." He kissed one eye.

"Ishq..." He kissed another.

I stared at him like I was lifeless, and those were my last moments in his arms. I breathed hard. My chest heaved up and down because of the upheaval he caused with the three words confession.

"Kiaan..."

His eyes expressed more than what his words hadn't been able to. And I guess so did mine because the way his pupils dilated, the shade of his pupils turned a shade darker.

He hooked his two fingers under my chin, lifted my chin up, and then his lips found mine. 

The kiss wasn't that soft or sweet; it was intense and urgent. He kissed me like he craved for me. And it wasn't the craving for a day, a week, a month...rather years...perhaps even more. 

I tangled my fingers in his hair with desire and for support. His one hand grabbed my waist and hoisted me perfectly on his lap. He was holding me much tighter, his other grip was on the nape of my neck, and he pushed me more into him, into that kiss.

The kiss was hurried, needy, like we both were famished for each other. He bit my lower lip, harsher, perhaps that was his way of trying to calm his beast. I tasted the metallic of my blood in that kiss, and I moaned. That bite on my lips, the blood of my lips, made me feel aroused.

While my one hand still stayed lost in the soft tendrils of his hair, pulling them, grabbing them, the other slid down to his shoulder. I dipped my nails in his shoulders over his shirt.

This need...this desire...this hunger...it wasn't limited to us devouring each other with that kiss. I felt it in my core, as if it was screaming, crying, for the attention it was never given.

He licked the blood on my lips so softly that I shivered. It felt like he was quenching his thirst and then thrusting his tongue inside. His tongue, colliding with my own in my mouth. I moaned in the kiss as he kept tasting every corner, marking every spot his tongue touched.

I could feel his hardness poking my thigh. Even when covered with clothes, I felt I was naked.

Nothing was gentle about the kiss. It was everything we had been holding back. His hand on my waist travelled further up. He caressed my back over my blouse. It felt like he was trying to find something, but couldn't, and that frustrated him. I felt his frustration in the kiss when he groaned.

His hands moved under my blouse on my back and unclasped the bra.

"Kiaan..." I breathed, taking a pause from that kiss.

"Hmmm..."

"I..." I tried to speak, but he didn't let me. He silenced me with his earnest words.

"Sab kuch ho tum mere liye..." 

[You are everything to me...]

His lips targeted my neck.

"Mujhe kuch aur nahi chahiye...sirf tum."

[I don't want anything else...just you

I held his shoulders steady.

"Jhoot..." 

[Lie]

I grabbed his collar with both of my hands and cried.

Before he could respond, I kissed him this time, fervent, intense, and without any restraint. I didn't hold myself back and poured my anger into that kiss. I felt him massaging my hair, my scalp, while the other hand pressed my breasts over the fabric of my saree.

I whimpered, his lips broke the kiss as he murmured over mine, "Stop me, or I will do something you aren't prepared for."

"And what makes you believe I am not ready for those things you keep talking about?"

His hold on me strengthened as if scared I would vanish.

"Firefly, stop me..." 

His words weren't a plea...they were a warning for me.

"Jalne ka itna shauk hai tumhe?"

[You love to burn so much]

"Jab se hum mile hain...bas jali hi toh hu..kabhi aapki nafrat mein...aur ab is ehsaas mein ki vo nafrat ek dhokha tha."

[Ever since we met...I have been burning...sometimes in your hatred...and now in the realization that that hatred was a deception]

I kissed him again, angrily. Not sure what came over me. Maybe I wanted him to express my rage through that kiss. But he didn't kiss me back this time. I pulled back, dejected and heartbroken, my eyes teary, staring at him. I was feeling the same way I felt on that yacht. 

Before I could make more assumptions, he said tenderly,  "I am not rejecting you..."

"Yes...you are..." I replied back, angrily.

He held my palm and pressed it on something. The realization mortified me when I felt something hard, hot, and warm under my hands.

I sucked in a sharp breath as my eyes widened.

"You feel this...does it make you feel that I am rejecting you?" 

His voice was strained as if he hadn't given up the last shred of his control.

"Ishq ho tum mera...bas ek pal ki khwaish nahi..."

[You are my love...not just a wish for a moment...]

"Junoon ho tum mera...koi numaish nahi."

[You are my passion...not a show]

"Then prove it...prove it, I am everything you claim me to be...I want to feel your words on my skin, in my soul, and then I wish for you to beg for my forgiveness each day until I have forgiven you completely."

I pressed on his covered manhood gently, feeling it under my skin.

"Fuck! You will be the death of me one day, Jaan..." 

He choked out, the pieces of his control lying beside where the glass pieces lay on the floor.

******

Author

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It wasn't how she was cupping his manhood with thrill and curiosity that had him let go of every ounce of control he was guarding. It was the pain in her eyes, the desire for him pooled in them, and the dire need to be cherished and wanted by him that had him lose all control. He let go of every single thread of it...stripping himself of every mask, every facade.

He was now only Kiaan for her...and he surrendered himself completely to her.

Kiaan brought his face closer, trapping her lips, softly, tenderly, showing her the love he had been carrying all this while. Simran's hands grabbed his hair for support as she breathed his desire, his scent.

******

He didn't say, 'I love you...' yet he expressed everything with...

'Ishq ho tum mera...bas ek pal ki khwaish nahi...' ❤️

Hi Lovelies,

I hope you all are doing great!! 😌🤗

I didn't expect Kiaan to let it all out, finally. Did you? 🥹

But it was high time 🥹

What do you all have to say about the confession? 🤔

Will Simran forgive him? 🥹

What do you all think would happen in the next chapter? 🤔

Do share your views about the same. It would mean a lot to me. ❤️

P.S -> The next update will be published on Wednesday ❤️

Thanks,

Shrishtee