Simran

******

"Yes, I was with her."

It felt like the ground beneath me was floating. I lost my balance as I couldn't stand steady anymore; my dizziness had escalated exponentially. Everything around my eyes spun, but my body didn't touch the ground because of my husband's painful yet strong grip on my waist.

I took a hard breath with my hands splayed against his chest, trying to steady myself, and he didn't leave me for a second, anchoring me.

His words rang in my ear like a painful cacophony.

My husband was with another woman. I had guessed it already, but hearing it from him broke me completely, and then a sob slashed my heart, making its way out through my mouth, burning my lips in the process.

"But I wasn't sleeping with her. I was making sure she doesn't hurt you again. I had her captured with her friend, whom she had attended our reception with. I might have been lenient with violence, but I ruined their lives, their career. I ruined them both for you."

I was too dizzy at that point. I just grabbed his shirt again instinctively with whatever energy I had left in me.

I never asked to be saved. I just wanted to be chosen. But he didn't understand what I needed then. He was too obsessed with destroying, too deep into the ruination to see that I was standing right there... waiting to be chosen, waiting to be held in his arms... and yet, he never did.

"Aur sunna hai?" 

[And you want to hear more?]

His eyes burned red, fire flaring within them.

"When you were sleeping peacefully in the comfort of this house, I was out there chasing your enemies, eliminating them one by one. I killed the man who poisoned you at our reception."

"Ian Marshall," I whispered as the realization washed over me. My eyes widened as the dots finally connected.

His death had been in the papers just days ago, citing it as 'mysterious'. And my hunch was right. Kiaan was behind it. My heart sank low, my mouth falling open as I stared at him in stunned shock.

He killed him?

"Right, Ian Marshall."

My blood curdled with his confirmation as I stood in his hold, frozen.

"Aur janna hai na?"

[You want to know more, right?]

"Tum yahan is sukoon bhare ghar ki chaar diwaari ke beech aaram se thi... main wahan tumhare raste ke har kaanton ko khatam karne mein laga tha..."

[You were here, safe within the calm walls of this house... while I was out there, busy clearing every thorn from your path...]

Sukoon? Really? Where was that ever since he left me?

"That still doesn't change the fact that you pushed me away like I didn't matter," I spat.

"I chose you...aapke liye aapko chuna maine...apne liye aapko chuna maine...hamare liye aapko chuna main...par aapki zindagi mein meri jagah thi hi kahan."

[I chose you... I chose you for your sake... I chose you for my own sake... I chose you for the sake of us... But there was no place for me in your life]

I wasn't yelling, but my words still echoed.

Everything else had gone silent as if nature just paused for a moment to hear me express my pain. The light breeze that was rustling the curtains of the window had gone quiet too, as if my noise was more important than its own quietness.

"Main bas aapki life ka woh khilona hoon... jise aapne jab chaha duniya ko dikhaya, aur jab chaha duniya se chhupa liya."

[I am merely that toy in your life... the one you showed to the world whenever you pleased, and hid from the world whenever you wished.]

He seethed as he pulled me so painfully closer that now his breath fanned my face, his lips only inches away.

"Agar tum khilona hoti... toh main tumhare liye duniya jalaane ki had tak nahi jaata... tumhare sukoon ke liye duniya se ladne nahi utarta."

[If you were merely a toy... I wouldn't go to the extent of burning down the world for you... Nor would I step forward to fight against the world just for the sake of your peace.]

I scoffed at his words. He claimed that I wasn't a toy, yet his actions stated otherwise.

"Aur aap sukoon ki baat kar rahe hain? Kis sukoon ki baat kar rahe hain aap? Kaunsa sukoon, Kiaan? Jo aapke saath hi chala gaya?"

[And you are talking about peace? What peace are you talking about? Which peace, Kiaan? The one that left right along with you?]

My lips quivered as I stripped myself naked with my words. There was nothing left for me to cover myself.

He had chosen violence with his words, so I entered the battleground too.

"Aur aap kaunsi chaar diwaari ki baat kar rahe hain? Ye..." I pointed at those four walls as I continued,"....jo har waqt aapka naam cheekhti hai mere kaano mein... jiska har kona aapki yaad dilata hai... jiska har kona gawah hai un aansuon ka, jo maine sirf aapke liye bahaaye hain?"

[And which four walls are you speaking of? These..." I pointed at those four walls as I continued, "...the very ones that constantly scream your name in my ears... every corner of which reminds me of you... every corner of which bears witness to the tears I have shed solely for your sake?]

I only wanted him, but his priorities clearly lay somewhere else.

"Mujhe kuch aur nahi chahiye tha... mujhe sirf aap chahiye the... par shayad main kabhi aapki zaroorat thi hi nahi...khwahish toh dur ki baat hai..."

[I didn't want anything else... I only wanted you... But perhaps I was never even a necessity to you... let alone a desire...]

I cupped his face tenderly as I let my tears fall. The candles weren't flickering either, perhaps even their flames wanted to witness the fire we held, more than they ever could.

"Aap hi mera sukoon hain ye imarat nahi..." I whispered as I cried in his arms.

[You are my peace: not this building.]

"Ye char diwari ghar nahi hai...aap hain mera ghar..."

[These four walls are not my home... You are my home.]

I confessed it finally. I rested my head on his chest, but tonight his hold wasn't warm; it was freezing. I had exhausted myself to the point that I didn't have energy left in me to even walk, let alone stand without any support. I knew I would need someone to carry me.

We stayed like that for a few moments, me catching my breath in his arms, watching the broken pieces of glass on the floor, comparing them with my soul, and him holding me firm, like holding me was his muscle memory and not his wish.

"Khair... aap nahi samjhenge. Aap bas todna jaante hain..."

[Anyway... you won't understand. You only know how to break...]

I mumbled, pain scorched behind my eyes as I looked at those innocent glass pieces that mirrored my state.

"Jodna nahi..."

[not how to fix...]

Un kaanch ke tukdo ko toh fir bhi samet sakte hain par mere dil ke tukdo ko main kaise sametu?

[Those pieces of glass can still be gathered... but how do I gather the pieces of my own heart?]

Taking a few breaths, attempting to calm myself a little, I struggled to free myself from his hold. I tried getting away as I peeled my head away from his chest, but his grip was unyielding and iron-like.

And my strength? There was none left.

"Let me go," I whispered, taking him in for one last time before trying to detach myself. He didn't move.

"Leave me." He didn't budge.

"Leave me, you beast." I pushed against him, but it was useless against the strength he carried.

"Scream, shout, yell, do whatever the fuck you want. But don't tell me to leave you."

His voice dropped, rough, almost breaking.

"Because I am not... I am not letting you go."

It was too late for that.

"Leave me. You don't need me," I said, certainty laced in every word.

"That's not true."

I looked him straight in the eyes as I told him the truth, which he wasn't ready to face yet.

"Main aapki zid hu junoon nahi...main apki trophy hu zaroorat nahi.."

[I am your stubbornness, not your passion... I am your trophy, not your need.]

What I said miffed him. I could feel heat radiating from him in an amount that burned me, yet somehow also warmed my soul.

With his one hand still on my waist, the other grabbed the nape of my neck as he brought our faces way too close, such that his lips touched mine. He wasn't kissing me, yet when he moved his lips to speak, his lips grazed with mine, almost blurring the lines of the boundary I was trying to draw between us

"You say one more word..." With each word that left his mouth in a dark whisper, his lips blended with mine, causing me to shiver.

"...and I will show you exactly zaroorat kise kehte hain."

["...And I will show you what necessity means."]

My breathing laboured as my chest heaved up and down. Something darker flared in his eyes that pooled my soul with tingles only his touch could have ignited and only his touch could have calmed.

But I was done with his threats, and I dared to defy that beast.

"Fuck You!" I muttered.

That was it. That was all needed to fuel him enough, that in one swift motion, he picked me up and sat me on the window sill, which was closer to where we stood.

"Kiaan..." I gasped.

I looked back down, and the distance between me and the ground beneath was way too deep. No one would survive that fall, and I held the arms of my husband tighter in fear.

"Look at me," he demanded.

Fear flickered in my eyes as I looked up at him. His hold was so firm, so relentless, as if nothing could take me out of his grasp.

My heart drummed, my pulse reverberated, and I could hear them louder in my ears.

"Sahi kaha... main bas todna jaanta hoon."

[You are right... I only know how to break]

He rested his forehead against mine, his one hand cupping my cheek in a possessive manner, just like I liked, as he whispered,

"Main chahta hoon tum tuto... aur is qadar tuto ki bikhadne ke liye meri baahon ke alawa koi aur sahara na rahe."

[I want you to break and break so completely that, as you fall apart, there remains no other refuge but my arms.]

His other hand was still where it had been a moment ago, firmly holding my waist.

His hand, which was cupping my cheek before, tangled in my hair, fisting it as if he needed something to anchor himself too. The grip was harsh, but not the kind that makes you cry, but the kind that makes you feel desired. The strong hold on my hair chased the dizziness away, leaving nothing behind but him...only him, filling my sight, my thoughts, my everything.

It felt like he was marking his claim, proving a point that I was more than his desire...that I was...I was his everything.

But was I really?

"I am a selfish man, Jaan..."

He kissed the corner of my eyes, licking my tears as if they were the antidote to some poison running through his veins.

"Aur main tumhe tootne par majboor kar dunga... aur tum sirf meri baahon mein hi bikhrogi..."

[...and I will force you to break... and you will shatter only in my arms.]

I whimpered as he continued peppering breathy kisses on my face, at first near my eyes, then my nose, my cheeks, my forehead, everywhere he could reach, except my lips.

"...taaki main tumhe samet sakoon... aur aise sametoon ki tumhari har saans par sirf mera naam ho."

[...so I can gather you back together... and hold you so close that with every breath you take, there is only one name left within you. Mine.]

His teeth grazed my chin, and I mewled.

The sensation trailed downward, slow and deliberate.

My head fell back as his lips followed downwards. He kept biting my skin softly and then tenderly licking the area, like admiring how his teeth marked me.

My eyes had been closed, and he was sucking on my throat, kissing, licking, biting on it. He kept torturing me while I got lost in that abyss of pleasure until his teeth stopped at my clavicle, biting harshly before soothing it with the soft licks of his tongue as if he was drinking in on me, as if tasting something he was hopelessly addicted to.

I could feel something pulsating in my core...as if a heart was beating there...fast, wanting to be calmed.

What's happening to me?

The veil of my saree slipped away, and I felt him draw in a sharp breath against my skin.

"Kiaan..." I moaned, my fingers curling into his arms, my eyes closed yet too heavy with haze, my mind going black with this torment.

"Haan... bas main..."

[Yes... only me...]

Suddenly, I felt a loss of contact on my skin. His lips weren't on my skin now, and I felt his desire-slick breath on my face.

I opened my eyes only to see a pair of dark orbs, watching me with the intent of making me his own, and with the intent to mark me without uttering a word, touch me the whole night, and drown me in his desire for me.

"Sirf Khwaish nahi...zaroorat ho tum meri."

[You are not just a desire... You are my necessity.]

He pecked the corner of my lips, and I shivered.

"Ibadat ho tum meri"

[You are my worship.]

He then pecked the other corner. But something in me unraveled. He called me his Ibadat, but I had only found him hurting me.

If that was his Ibadat, then I sure wasn't his Goddess, but rather a burden.

I put my dropped veil back on my shoulder, and with the little strength I gained again because of my simmering anger, I pushed him away from me and got down the windowsill.

"I am tired of your excuses...I am exhausted from this overbearing relationship. I want to breathe...please. You have to set me free."

"No..." He roared as he grabbed my arm and pulled me to his chest.

"I.CAN'T.LIVE.WITHOUT.YOU," he emphasized on each word. But there was no use for it now.

"You should have thought of that before tearing me apart like this..." 

I said with a shaky voice, my throat aching with the lump that kept forming there, high with emotions. I thought he would say something, anything, perhaps try to stop me, but he didn't.

That was it. That was the end of our relationship. 

That realization made me hollow from the inside. His eyes were heavy with something, maybe another part of his life which he didn't want to share, just like every other truth he was hiding from me.

I had my self-respect bruised tonight for the man for whom I wasn't even a human, but I guess you do that sometimes for the people you care...for the people you...LO...

No. I stopped myself from going there because then how would I have lived?

Vaise jeene ki kuch khaas vajah bachi nahi thi....sivay Maa ke gunehgaron ko jail mein bhejne ke alawa. Jo ek aakhri vajah thi, jo ek jalti hui umeed thi, usne hi meri rooh ko jala diya. 

[There wasn't much reason left to live, except to send my mother's culprits to jail. That one last reason, that one burning hope, burned my soul.]

I turned around and, as I took a few steps...

"Main dar gaya tha..."

[I got scared]

I heard his voice, scared, shaky, like someone taking a difficult breath he wasn't allowed to take.

I stopped.

Not because he finally said something, but because I heard the vulnerable plea of my man, and not the deranged beast. I slowly turned to him, wondering if this man was the one who was in tears that night on the yacht while nursing my wound and then I saw it, in his posture, in his eyes, in everything.

FEAR.

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Author

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Darr

[Fear]

It's not just a word, not simply another sentiment. It's more.

When one feels happy, they smile, when one is angry, they yell... but...when one is scared...they usually hide it.

Why?

Because no other sentiment carries the dangerous hints of vulnerability as fear does.

Kehte hain agar hum darr se na jeete toh darr humse jeet jata hai....

[It is said that if we do not overcome fear, then fear overcomes us...]

Darr bas is mauke ke intezaar mein rehta hai ki kab hum kamzor pade... kyuki darr kabhi akela nahi aata...vo saath mein un saudagaro ko lekar aata hai jo hamare us darr ko apna mohra banate hain.

[Fear just waits for the opportunity when we become weak... because fear never comes alone... it brings along with it those traders who make our fear their pawn.]

Kiaan let his fear overpower him. He had every right to be scared in front of his firefly. Besides, he was a beast, that too a calculated one, who knew every move of his enemy. He was alert, ready to protect his wife and everyone he had a soft corner for.

But what if the trader of his fear was closer than he thought? Then what?

Darr apna rasta khud banata hai. Aur ek baar agar kisine darr ko apne upar haavi hone de diya, apne andar jagah de di...vo rasta darr kabhi nahi bhoolta.

[Fear creates its own path. And once someone allows fear to dominate them, to give it a place within them... fear never forgets that path.]

And wherever fear goes, those evil traders follow, who thrive on others' fear. 

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Darr ke aage jeet hai? Par kya sach mein? 🥹

Hi Lovelies, 

I hope you all are doing great!! 🤗

I know...I know...you guys feel robbed 🥹 But the chapter was way too long 🥹

But I will make sure you all end up devouring the upcoming ones 🥹🙈

What do you all think would happen now that Kiaan mentioned he was scared? Will he let the truth out or just cave back in like always 🥹

Don't you think it's high time he should start telling Simran the truth and not keep her in the dark anymore? 🥹 I mean, our Simmi deserves the truth now 😌

Always keep in mind this fear part. I wrote it with experience, and you will see it coming into fruition in this book only. 🥹

Do share your views about the chapter. It would mean a lot to me. ❤️

P. S -> The next update will be published on Saturday ❤️

Thanks,

Shrishtee