Kiaan

******

A few minutes ago

******

"Ibadat ho tum meri..."

I whispered as I curled my fingers into a fist, trying to clench the pain of my heart with the physical one.

She was sitting with the family, but her eyes...they were anxious. She looked like she was lost, like she didn't know anyone there and was sitting amongst the sea of strangers. And I knew one look at me, and her anxiety would deplete, but I also knew something dark was coiling inside of her, which needed to be released. If I had just walked to her, she would have caved in and wouldn't have let her anguish out.

She needed to vent out and not take in everything I was offering her. She needed to yell at me, slap me, and not be the one kind enough to let everything go just like that. She needed to fight back, and I needed to surrender.

I knew that night we both needed each other to survive that battle brewing inside of us. So, I fished out my phone and texted Arjun to take the family out. Arjun simply sent a thumbs-up in response, perhaps reading my hidden desperation to be with my wife alone.

******

Author

******

Patience is a virtue, to sit back and wait calmly, to let things unfold at their own pace.

Kiaan Chauhan was one patient man. He didn't just wait for a week or a few months for the woman who wears his name around her neck, who decorated himself proudly in the partition of her hair.

He waited years...not just one or two...twelve to just see her alive, breathing in front of him... and fifteen to get her to marry him, to get bound to her till eternity.

Aur vo kehte hain na...ek hi zindagi kaafi nahi kisi ko chahne ke liye.

[And as they say... a single lifetime isn't enough to love someone.]

This one life wasn't the start and end of their bond. Because the Universe knew Kiaan would take every rebirth only for Simran.

Kiaan ke liye uski ek ek saans pe Simran ka naam tha. Aur ab un udhaar ki saanson ki keemat chukane ka samay aa gaya tha.

[For Kiaan, Simran's name was etched upon every single breath he took. And now, the time had come to pay the price for those borrowed breaths.]

Kiaan's actions hadn't been worthy enough to make Simran believe she was his only need, his true desire. But now he was going to make her believe all of that. Moreover, she wasn't just a mere need...she was...more...she was something so pure he could never articulate.

The beast had never begged in front of everyone, but he had knelt in front of Gods, higher powers he didn't believe in, he had wailed, he had cried...to get her back. But no one knows it...not one soul. Only darkness, the Universe, and Kiaan.

And who says...a beast never gets scared.

They do...but only for those who simply by existing, can turn a beast into a human, can make their human heart beat for someone. Simran had done exactly that.

That had scared the beast.

It was fear that hadn't let him be honest with her. It was fear that hadn't let him reveal their truth to her.

It was solely fear that had driven him so mad that he had to push her away from him when he found her after twelve years, three years back. It was only and only fear that he kept yearning, watching her catch feelings for him while he was burning from inside and could only keep her in his waller like a secret, when all he wanted was to hold her, caress her, come undone in her arms.

But he knew that when the truth would be out, it would break Simran. So while Kiaan planned on telling her everything, he wasn't going to tell her about the betrayal she had gifted him once.

Because he could accept anything, but he couldn't let Simran spiral into darkness because of the truth of that one betrayal.

He was fine with being the only one remembering it. He had planned to carry the truth of that betrayal to his grave because if he had to ever put her through the memories of that tragic night, he would choose to kill himself instead.

In the mansion, while the living room had become the space of fun and laughter, it wasn't the same for Kiaan and Simran.

Kiaan watched her from a distance, standing on one floor above, noticing everything about her, the way she breathed, the way she tapped her fingers on her knee in anxiety, the way she wrapped the edge of the veil of her saree around her thumb like she was trying to anchor herself.

Simran was losing herself even amidst the crowd. She wasn't in her right headspace. She wasn't there even when she was physically.

Soon, she excused herself, and he watched her leave. The family teased her, and she gave a smile that screamed her sadness, but only one man could hear that scream. Kiaan.

He heard it so loudly that it felt like a slap.

She was drowning and needed to be saved. But she had to be drowned this time, before getting saved.

Kiaan followed her silently, letting her go wherever she wanted to. He wanted her to breathe on her own...but he also knew it was his arms she would eventually fall apart into.

She walked into the dance room first, clutching her heart, and when she walked inside, a sob tore out through her mouth, slashing Kiaan's heart.

Her tears, her sobs were poison for him...but if he had walked to her just yet, she would have thought....he was controlling her tears too, her pain too.

His own eyes filled with tears as he watched her break, walking barefoot here and there, trying to find solace. He was following her footsteps, soundlessly, following her barefoot like a disciple following his Goddess, taking in her pain, picking up her broken pieces no one could see.

Simran ka dard Kiaan ke liye aisa zeher tha... jise woh ek-ek ghoont peeta raha...har ghoont uski rooh ko jala raha tha, phir bhi woh ruk na saka... chahe woh uski jaan hi kyun na le le.

[Simran's pain was a poison to Kiaan ... one he continued to swallow, sip by sip. Each drop seared his very soul, yet he could not stop....even if it meant costing him his life.]

He had unleashed this pain on her...so he had to feel it too.

He watched her rush to the room on the topmost floor of the mansion. There she sank onto the floor, her legs finally having given up. She buried her head in her knees...sobbing so hard that her body shook... shivered.

He ached to hold her, but he didn't.

He let her tears fall freely and his own, too. He cried, standing in one corner...but when Simran's cries grew louder, his knees gave out, and he knelt, feeling each hit of her cries like he was being hit by a whip.

The walls echoed with the cries of Simran, but bled when they witnessed the beast crying.

While people had seen Simran's pain, no one had witnessed Kiaan's. The sole witness of Kiaan's pain was the walls that had watched him weep silently, break in silence over the years...destroy himself like his life was not worth living.

He closed his eyes as his tears fell freely...his wet eyelids touched the skin of his face and burned it like they weren't drenched with tears but acid.

And at that moment, he was again hauled into one of the memories of the past, the one where he had thought he wouldn't survive that tragic accident, but he eventually did.

******

Flashback

******

Kiaan groaned in pain as he tried to open his eyes. Slowly and with struggle, he was finally able to flutter his eyelids open, his throat felt groggy, and he had difficulty speaking anything. He was panicking inside, not understanding why his body was aching that much, why he felt like he was paralysed.

To be honest, any child would panic that way and would be scared the way Kiaan was. Besides, who loves to be in pain? A beast might love it, but Kiaan wasn't a beast yet; he was just a kid who had met with a deadly accident that almost took his life.

Lying in the hospital was not a nice feeling at all for anyone, especially kids, and when he finally opened his eyes, he was more scared than he was when the car had hit him, because now the unknown and unfamiliar surroundings were replaced with the reality which had begun sinking in.

He whimpered in pain, trying to let the environment skin in. Off white walls, the color he detested the most was what first caught his attention, a cannula attached to his hand, which he couldn't move, scared him. He felt pain in his forehead, his one leg was bandaged, and beep sounds were coming from the machines whose wires were attached to him.

He remembered the terrible accident now. Then he roamed his eyes, trying to find a familiar essence that would elevate his slight fear.

He saw his father sitting on the couch pressing his temple like his head was aching terribly. His grandfather looked stressed, talking to someone over the call in a hushed tone. He sat beside his father on the couch. That really seemed very strange for him, as they were there for him and not some house staff.

But that wasn't what was out of order; it was someone's fingers in his hair that were out of order. There was care in that scalp massage, the way his body felt at ease, and all the panic and stress started dissolving. And only a mother could be that caring, that even her fingers reeked of her soul's warmth.

When he moved his head slightly, he saw the woman whose attention and care he had been craving all these years, watching him with the same love she used to.

"Mo..mom.." he whimpered.

"Kiaan..."

Smiita called his name calmly, but that was wrapped in her pure love for him.

"Maa..."

He sobbed as he couldn't believe his mother was there, caring for him, weeping for him.

"Yes, beta, I am here. I am here for my brave little boy."

Tears filled Kiaan's eyes now. It took an accident for him to get his mother back, one accident to get the love he had been deprived of for years. Kiaan turned to her a little, not entirely, but he tried to. Smita instantly wrapped her arms around him as she sobbed along with him.

She was guilty because of the ignorance Kiaan had to go through. She couldn't believe that the son she had prayed for from all the Gods was now suffering because of her negligence.

Ashok and Dharmesh got alerted as they heard the mother-son duo crying their hearts out. They rushed to the bed where they were. Kiaan's head was on Smita's lap, and Smita was holding him closer, caressing his back, his hair.

When they finally pulled back, Smita left a soft kiss on his hair.

"My throat...it hurts," Kiaan mumbled.

"Shh...beta, don't talk, okay? Don't strain your throat. Your Maa is here now with you. Everything will be fine now."

She cooed him gently, his heart leaping happily because of the love he was receiving after the deprivation of years.

"See...Papa is here too...Nanu is here. Now you will get better soon."

He smiled tenderly at her, feeling her warmth radiating from her features, her voice.

"Welcome back, son."

Ashok said with a heavy voice as he stroked Kiaan's hair. There were bags around his eyes, which were quite visible as he stood closer to the hospital bed. Kiaan felt sad realizing his family was in pain because of him, which made him feel guilty.

"I am going to call the doctor," Ashok said, as he smiled at Kiaan and then walked out of the room to get the doctor.

"How are you feeling, champ?"

Dharmesh asked his grandson, his own eyes tired, his posture usually stiffened, looking saggy now as if he was blanketed with so many unbearable responsibilities.

"Fine..." Kiaan voiced out.

"Fine? Not good, huh?"

"No...."

Dharmesh smiled gently as he patted Kiaan's hand proudly and said, "You will come out of it stronger."

Kiaan smiled back at him, but a fear took some place in his heart, fear of being abandoned again, fear of getting better, and then all of the care his family was showering him with would go poof in thin air. But he didn't overthink, because he was too invested in getting pampered by his mother.

A few minutes later, Ashok came back with a doctor. The doctor checked on Kiaan and asked him some basic evaluatory questions.

Kiaan had regained consciousness after a month. The accident was terrible, but he survived miraculously as if some prayer worked like magic. He remembered everything, and there was no loss of his memory or any other impact on him, so the doctor was now quite positive about his recovery.

But still, Kiaan had to stay in the hospital for a few more weeks for better recovery.

Kiaan didn't like the sound of it, but he had no choice. Besides, his family was there for him. He even talked with his cousin Dhruv and his friends Namit and Arjun over the video call, and Hredhaan was also coming to the hospital now, so he thought a few more weeks would become bearable.

Still, something was amiss for him. There was an ache inside of him, a void which would only be filled by one, his secret admirer, the one who truly made him happy.

He missed her.

******

In the afternoon, Hredhaan arrived at the hospital after school with his driver to see his best friend.

In the past month, he hadn't missed a single day to visit Kiaan. It didn't matter whether he had to skip school or any royal obligations of a Royal Prince, he made sure he was there for his best friend. Even when Kiaan was unconscious, Hredhaan was there to look after him, waiting for him to wake up.

Hredhaan, the boy who rarely expressed himself, not even through his words, hugged Kiaan voluntarily when he found him conscious and smiled after quite a long time. Kiaan smiled too, still processing that his best friend was hugging him at his own will and wasn't forced for any dare.

Kiaan didn't make it awkward for him and didn't tease or pester him about it. He didn't even mention it, as if it was normal for Hredhaan, but that wasn't.

Hredhaan sat there on Kiaan's bed and talked to him about what all Kiaan missed in the school, filling him in on all the details of what was happening in Dhruv, Arjun, and Namit's lives, too.

Hredhaan talking like that was rare, and Kiaan was proud of his best friend for coming out of his shell, even if it was for a day. Because he knew this Hredhaan wasn't going to last that long out of his shell and would soon cave in.

Everyone left the hospital one by one except his parents. They were there for him, yet he felt emptiness building inside of him. This emptiness was a gap created by the one person who had begun filling the cracks of his life with her letters, with her gifts.

Does she know what happened to me?

Or she didn't care at all?

Those questions hounded Kiaan's young mind, and he just wanted one sign from the universe to know she cared, that she cared the most. He needed that to get better faster.

The next day, Hredhaan came to see him, but didn't come empty-handed. He went there with some action figures Kiaan loved collecting but he also carried a small, square black box.

"I have got something else too, for you."

Hredhaan said as he handed the box to Kiaan casually, as if it wasn't that important, and then sat on the chair beside Kiaan's bed, opening his book and hiding behind the inks, syllables, and the pages that knew his true self.

Kiaan's parents were not in the room at that moment, and that had seemed the perfect moment for Hredhaan to give that box to Kiaan.

Kiaan looked at him, surprised, and frowned. And as he slowly opened the box, his smile dropped. It was replaced with an absolute shock. He watched that thing in stunned silence, shining in the box.

"These are real car keys."

Kiaan mumbled as he stroked the keys like tracing something soft. Hredhaan simply shrugged.

"You got me a car?"

Kiaan's eyes widened. He was only nine, and so was Hredhaan, but Hredhaan had had his hold on his assets since childhood.

Hredhaan shrugged again in response. That cold Prince hardly showed emotions, but this was his way of showing it, displaying his affections.

"But I can't drive yet."

"Yeah, but you can still have it. Drive when you have grown enough."

Kiaan smiled. He was going to make Arthur, Enzo's father, help him drive by the time he turned twelve. Of course, not on the road. Kiaan was obsessed with cars, with driving, the control and power he would get behind the wheel always captivated him. But he knew he would have to wait for some more time.

Kiaan was happy, assuming everything was getting back on track, that his family found him important enough now and spent time with him, but then, things started to change. His mother began to be sick frequently, and her visits to the hospital had to be limited.

Kiaan's hope was crushed once again. But he didn't know his mother was pregnant, and her complicated pregnancy was causing her to be sick, making her bedridden. While Dharmesh used to stay back to look after her, Ashok used to visit hospitals for Kiaan, but even his visits lessened with time, leaving Kiaan to be attended by the house staff, Arthur.

By the end of that week, when Kiaan was supposed to be discharged, he had realized that his life hadn't changed, and those shared smiles, moments of happiness, and getting fed with love by his mother were all just an act. It was all temporary, and no one actually cared.

Kiaan was staring at the setting Sun sitting on his hospital day one evening. Hredhaan was engrossed in his book, yet eyeing his friend silently, trying to read his mind without asking what he was thinking.

Hredhaan didn't like to rattle anyone's thoughts with his words, so he observed, and no one was as great an observer as he was in their group.

"These walls are suffocating...I can't be here."

Kiaan mumbled with something dark simmering inside his chest. He sounded angry.

Hredhaan shut his book and then noticed Kiaan. He could see his friend was suffering, and he knew what would make him feel at ease.

"She came to see you."

Five letters.

All that was said to him was five letters, and he forgot to breathe. Kiaan felt like someone just swooshed all his air out of him. He snapped his head towards Hredhaan in shock.

"How do you know? Did you see her? Did you meet her? How does she look? Is she okay? Was she crying? She is fine, right?"

Kiaan bombarded Hredhaan with his never-ending questions.

Hredhaan simply replied calmly, "No, I didn't see her. But I always found a letter hiding under your pillow."

Kiaan instantly picked up the pillow and put it away, but he didn't find any letters.

"There is no letter."

"Because they are here."

Hredhaan said and pulled out a stack of letters from his bag and put them on Kiaan's bed.

Hredhaan had preserved those letters like it meant something. He never did something like that before, but someone's persistent efforts made a little hole in the cold wall he bridges between him and the world. So he kept them safely, hiding from everyone's eyes, just so when his friend woke up, he could read them.

Kiaan's eyes watered as he remembered how he was in the middle of writing a letter when the accident took place. He was so worried thinking if his admirer had assumed wrong of him, that he was some bully who only knew how to hurt others and make fun of others, and that's why he stopped writing.

Kiaan hurriedly tore the thread tying them all together and began reading the letters one by one.

Each letter had well wishes, and small prayers written for him, a small colorful stone attached to them, and words in each letter were smudged with tears.

Whoever she was...she had cried a ton while writing each letter for Kiaan, and she hadn't stopped, didn't give up on him at all.

Kiaan's eyes welled up, something in his heart ached, and he pressed it from his palm, trying to ease the pain.

"She is like a conspiracy theory, always hiding from you."

Hredhaan commented, not realizing his words would just hit Kiaan where it hurt the most.

"Stop talking like that about her," Kiaan snapped.

"Why?"

Hredhaan pressed out of curiosity. He could never understand a human's sadness because of another human. He detested that.

"Because she is important."

'So that's all it takes to be sad because of someone else? The other person has to be important enough?'

Hredhaan wondered, and then he silently vowed, 'I will never make anyone important enough.'

Kiaan's heart clenched reading all those letters.

How could she care this much?

We had never met, not even once, then how could she care for me like that?

More than my own family, she cared for me. Why? Just why? What did I mean to her?

No one had the answers to Kiaan's questions, but only one person, who hadn't approached him yet.

Kiaan kept reading those letters, like he was having medicines that would heal them faster. The crystals attached to each letter were like lucky charms, that's what she had mentioned.

In each letter she had written:

I am leaving my prayers wrapped inside these rocks. Each prayer is a new breath for you, Monster Prince.

Hredhaan left soon after, but Kiaan never stopped reading those letters. Earlier, he had cried reading them, but now he was smiling after re-reading them. He didn't notice his family's absence because of his pen pal.

During dinner time, when Arthur, the staff of the mansion, came with home-cooked food and also his little son Enzo, Kiaan thought to ask Enzo if he had seen a girl there when no one else was around, because if anyone else had seen her, they would have mentioned her. And things were different with Enzo; he never said anything until asked.

So when Arthur was busy plating the dinner, Kiaan called Enzo closer and asked him,"Enzo, did you see a girl here, hiding a letter under my pillow?"

"Yes..." Enzo replied.

Kiaan couldn't hold back his excitement after hearing him.

"What did she look like?"

"Small..." Enzo replied, his eyes stuck on the cannula attached to Kiaan's veins.

"And?"

"Long hair..." Enzo mumbled.

"Can you describe her more?"

Enzo shook his head.

Enzo was not good at talking, explaining, or elaborating. It just didn't sit well with him. Talking more felt like a strenuous task for him, and it made things difficult for him, so he had another way of reaching out and expressing himself. He drew. On Kiaan's last birthday, he even gifted him a portrait of Kiaan.

"I can draw her," Enzo suggested.

Kiaan's heart thumped.

He didn't like the sound of it.

Someone painting his admirer's delicacy with the pencil Kiaan didn't own, watching it with the gaze that didn't belong to Kiaan, and rubbing the mistakes of it, and then drawing her again.

No. Just No.

Kiaan might have been just another human then but the remnants of envy for who he cared about, who he thought belonged to him, always remained in him. The remnants of a beast were always in him; it just needed one trigger to grow fully.

"No, it's fine," Kiaan replied coolly.

He would rather go through agony for a few more days than let anyone else's hands touch the canvas like they were touching her. He might be too young, still highly protective of his secret admirer.

The rest of the days didn't pass by in a jiffy, and it was really difficult for Kiaan to be there and to miss someone he hadn't met. But soon he was discharged and wasn't connected with beeping machines and a painful cannula.

Kiaan, not long after, found out his mother was pregnant. He was happy that he would have a sibling now. He knew he would cherish whatever his mother would have, whether a boy or a girl. But he didn't know his family's plans were different.

His parents weren't planning to keep the child but to give it away.

Kiaan had no idea about it; instead, he was planning what his elderly brother's rights would be and how he would take care of his little sibling, unaware of another shock wave coming his way.

A few days later, Kiaan was finally able to walk on his own. But his house again had begun to scream of hollowness and emptiness. His parents had flown out of the country for a few weeks, and even his grandfather, who would stay at home mostly, would always be flooded with his work.

And this time, Kiaan's pain was worse because his mother showed him what he was missing all this time, the kind of love he deserved, gave him hope to be loved, and then shredded the pieces of his hope with her own bare hands.

A few nights later, Kiaan was annoyed. He had been eating alone, talking to the walls for weeks, but he had reached his limit. He was going crazy. For some reason, even his admirer hadn't written him a letter, and he was pissed off.

"Kiaan, son, come out. Let's eat," Arthur called him for dinner.

"I said, GO AWAY," Kiaan yelled from inside, lying on his bed with his flat stomach.

"There is a letter for you, and I will only give it if you eat."

That was it. A letter. Two words, and Kiaan jumped off his bed, bolted out of his room, and ran downstairs to have dinner.

He ate everything as fast as he could, gulping like a monster. He even had the medicines which he hated, and then he grabbed the letter and rushed to his room.

This time, his admirer had made a mistake. There was a significant type of paper used, which wasn't available in all parts of the city. A plan weaved into his head, mixed with desperation to meet this little hellion who had wrapped him around his fingers.

Kiaan had always been smart, and this time he was going to use his smartness against his little admirer.

He picked up a pen and paper and then started writing.

Dear little stranger...

******

Present

******

Kneeling, Kiaan stared at her little admirer, all grown up, but filled with pain and sadness, crying her heart out because of him.

'I am here now, but you can't even recognize me.' Those words burned through Kiaan's lips as he raised his hand from a distance as if touching her frame.

'Break in my arms if that's what you desire...shatter while I hold you...because then I will make you whole...with my worship, my surrender,' he vowed a silent promise, and again the only witness was those walls.

'I won't let you give up on you...on us...I will be the beast for you if that's what you need right now...but don't cry like you have lost me. You never did...you never will.'

Kiaan took a deep breath as he wiped those tears, looking just like the beast people feared and not the man who was just crying like a child for the woman he had, yet he didn't.

'Thak gaya hu tumhe har baar khokar, Jaan...ab aur nahi...'

Words of his broken heart spilled like a bloodied promise, and he knew he would have to be a deranged beast to yank her out of the darkness she was drowning in. 

He let her drown because she needed to let everything out of her system until there was nothing left but a hollow space he would fill with him. 

Just like she filled the cracks of his life with her letters, he was going to fill the cracks of her with his surrender, his worship, and most importantly, his love.

Akhirkaar...samarpan ke bina pyaar kya hai?

[After all...what's a love without submission]

******

Tera Ishq hai meri Ibadat 🥹🙈

Hi Lovelies,

I hope you all are doing great!! 🤗

Did you like the breakdown moment of our Beast? 🤔

Kiaan never said it out loud, but it's very clear how he feels for his firefly 🥹

But have you all ever wondered what their bond was like when they were just kids? 🤔

If you guys had noticed, there is always a mention of betrayal. What do you think had happened in the past that shaped little caring Kiaan into a Beast? 🥹

Keep guessing, guys!! Do let me know your thoughts 🥹

Do share your views about the chapter. It would mean a lot to me. ❤️

P. S -> The next update will be published on Wednesday ❤️

Thanks,

Shrishtee